i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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