Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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