We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
