Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
