Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
