I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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