it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A+ Viking dick
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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