I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize