I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
