Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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