i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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