My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize