I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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