He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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