I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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