mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
