I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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