Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
