Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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