You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
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