i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
