New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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