I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
