why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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