so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
