dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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