In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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