I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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