I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
well you can't waste a boner
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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