Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Randomize
