this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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