Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
