two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
