Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
