So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
