Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
