this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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