Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I smell stomach acid.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
