Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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