i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
