Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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