i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize