I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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