She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
