$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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