Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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