I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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