My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
