I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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