I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
