we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
