I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize