fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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