Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
