so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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