She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
