I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
