dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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