If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
