just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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