I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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