My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize