Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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