rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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