Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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