my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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