I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
