I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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